January 24

I'm posting this in the opposite order it was written. This first part is being written by me right now as I sit, breathing and circulating, on my computer at 8:53 PM on January 24, 2005. About thirty minutes ago I was driving down Route 1 north and I came up next to a massive truck. This was one of the oversize load trucks, the ones that take up a lane and a half. I decide that there was room to pass on the right so I creep my way towards the front end of this gargantuan road block. Pulling up into the blind spot of the truck I can see my path ahead as a shrinking gap between the road and a six foot wall of snow piled up from the plow trucks. Assuming I had no chance of making it before the gap closes I tap the brakes to let the truck move ahead. Just then my steering wheel goes sideways and I feel no traction under the tires. I must've hit a patch of ice or a clump of sleet. The car was not in my control anymore. I spun the wheel as hard as possible to try and regain traction but the wheels would not catch. In my own lane of chaos and confusion I can see the enormous truck next to me quickly getting closer then instantly farther away. Cars were everywhere in sight and my heart was pounding so hard in my chest that I heard a stitch come loose in my undershirt. A massive boom at the hood of my Ford cunt and I was riding up the wall of snow. After sliding about 5 yards and missing a telephone pole by less than a foot my car comes to a hault. Forty-five degrees slanted from the earth I sat in my drivers seat, sweating in the 12 degree black and white abyss. I couldn't move for about a minute, after my mind was racing faster than it ever has there was silence. Silence in the frigid atmosphere of my toppled car, silence on the side of a major highway. All I could hear was my breathing, in and out of my chest the oxygen was turned into carbon dioxide and then visible against the front wind shield. If my car had turned outward and slid into traffic I have no doubt in my mind that I would be a corpse now. That truck had the size to crush me and my car into bits, and enough axles to do it from any angle. Cars are whizzing by with radios blasting pop music, people are talking on their cell phones about last nights game and tommorows traffic, and I get to see the sun rise tomorrow morning and that's reason enough for me to smile.


I wrote this next part at 1:36 AM January 24, 2005. I wasn't going to post it, but an act of karma this significant can change a man's mind pretty fucking quick. I'm not going so far as to say divine intervention, I'll leave it at...cosmic irony.


Holy reality is a relative expression. In the song Parabola, written by the greatest band to ever grace the human race, the expression is utilized to perfection. Throughout the history of verbal communication there is no doubt in my mind that there has been no greater combination of two words. The word 'holy' implies a sacredness or divinity, a notion that usually strays heavily from that of modern rational thought. But existence is not as futile as I once thought it to be. The sun comes up and a new day is upon us every 24 hours...big fucking deal. Incentive is a gift from the gods and it can be taken away in an instant. Have we evolved beyond patience? Has the age of technology cast the human race into slavery? Answering only to the sound of an alarm on a wrist watch, people are programmed by the business world and she is truly this decades most popular dictator. The noun attributed to time is stated as female for the simple irrefutable fact that women are deranged and masochistic by nature. This is our reality. We shouldn't have professors and advisors telling us what needs to be done next. The next step is the next moment. Tomorrow's sunrise is not gauranteed for everyone and we need to start acknowledging that fact with every action. I often lose my grip on reality because it's just so easy to when there are flashing lights on my TV and naked woman on my monitor. Taking a step back and trying to view my train of thought in a truly subjective manner, I'd say my thoughts are consumed by sexuality and fantasy and a lot of the time, both. It's time to get my head out of the fuckin gutter. "...all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one conciousness experiencing itself subjectively..." This is clear to me now, and this is the most comfort I've ever felt in dealing with my place in the world. This is our insignificant tiny little shithole nothing space of the universe, so let's do something with it. Starting today wasted thoughts will be few and far between. Thoughts of a sexual nature will be enjoyed expressly by me, images of grandeur and riches will flood my head as fast or as slow as I want them to. The balance of the world sits firmly in between my ears. And if I were god I'd cast a new plague on mankind. It would be deemed Zen Anarchy and we would all run around loving every minute of sweet existence. It would truly be a holy reality, created in the heavens and brought down to man as a second gift. I don't have much time left here. One minute your racing down the highway and the next minute you are falling off an 80 foot cliff towards the jagged earth. Tomorrow I can open my mail and take a lethal dose of anthrax to the asophagus. The clock ages our minds a second faster each millenuim. For once i'm going to sit down and relax. Listening to each breathe, being thankful for each precious moment, each holy experience.

Only now remains

Travelling down the same road I've been down a couple times before, I take a step back and try to figure out what went wrong. That's the beautiful thing about life and its synchrony, you're always put in a position to make the right decision. And if you make the wrong decision, fuck it, that's how you learn. The notion of karma is magnificent. It takes the mystery of this unquenchable human thirst for knowledge and gives it a home. It ties the events of your life together in a systematic way, and I couldn't ask for anything more. I appreciate each opportunity to be here and I really appreciate each piece of the world I get to see. It's here for me to decipher, and I can do what I want with all the time I have. Infinite space and time to construct something bigger, better, faster...something worth my deepest most sincere effort. And then I can destroy it and start again. Searching for meaning when there is no meaning, it's easy to get distracted in the society we've built. We give in to television and the media too easily. They take liberties with our mind that we shouldn't be forced to overlook. Why should I be forced to care about which celebrity is getting married to which actor, or which one is getting plastic surgery? In that medium, it's all plastic. Plastic people creating merchandise and movies for dates and people who eat popcorn. Millions are spent on digital effects for cliched action suspene thriller starring Vin Diesel while hunderds of thousands of people are dying in the 11 countries around the Indian Ocean hit hardest by the tsunami. I'd like to think karma came through for us in that one too. It's a terrible tragedy, but it's nature. We need to be reminded that we are not invincible, but 150,000 bodies seems a bit exssesive. We get the point god...or at least, I feel like I do. I'm sorry there's suffering in your life right now, or maybe it's just depression. Depression is a form of suffering but it doesn't seem nearly as severe. I also want to apologize for another disgusting act we all engage in. Whenever you muster up the courage to let somone know you feel depressed, they will try empathy as a diversionary tactic to your pain. Any decent person will tell you that they've been there and they know how you feel, because that's what you gotta say to somone who's depressed. How can anyone know how you feel? Thats such a ridiculous notion, and it makes me want to stop writing this right now. But you can't stop the spiraling thoughts, and niether can I. No one knows your pain...no one. We all live different lives, and we all participate in each others lives. Participant being the key word there. You are the star of your own show, and everyone else...they are just supporting roles. My dad used to ask me and my brother when we were children, "Is this the Daniel show starring Brian or the Brian show starring Daniel?" I never answered you because I thought you were a lunatic. But If I had to answer, I'd say it's both. To each his own. I slip in and out of comas all the time. This morning I seize my mind, use my power, focus my energy...feel life in my veins. I feel life all around me, and sense balance. I am the ZEN MASTER.