The list they don't want you to see

So this may seem to stray a bit from the kind of things I normally post here, but I feel compelled to do it regardless. This year has been great for music. There was a time in my life (around the time Layne Staley died) where I thought that the music industry was really going into the shitter for good, but 2005 has given me hope. Yes this list is biased, and no I don't give a shit. These are the albums I've been obsessed with in the past year.

1) NIN - With Teeth

Just when everyone thought NIN was old news, this work of art comes out. Easily one of my favorite albums of all time. Trent Reznor has outdone himself and formulated an excellent sidekick to The Fragile.

2) Opeth - Ghost Reveries

The way metal is supposed to be played. It's not for everyone, it's got rapid time changes, its loud as fuck, and Mike Akerfeldt churns out demon cries at every turn. It's their first album on a major record label so this may be the one to capture everyones attention. Reminiscent of Blackwater Park, Ghost Reveries is a metal masterpiece.

3&4) System of a Down - Mesmorize/Hypnotize

Cracked out lyrics, beautiful harmonies, government propaganda, and a wonderful array of drug/sex imageries. This album duo sets out to claim the masses with radio friendly pop spoofs like BYOB and Hypnotize and draws the underground pre-SOAD fame crowd with Old School Hollywood, She's Like Heroine, and Attack. If you've ever liked SOAD, these albums have something for you.

5) Mastadon - Leviathon

Moby Dick themed metal. The album is Ahab's hunt for the infamous great white whale. I usually cringe at concept albums, but this one works. They have an incredibly unique style and they bring a lot to the genre. People who think metal is one dimensional and repetitive would benefit from giving this one a listen.

6) CKY - An Answer Can Be Found

They progress, and it's good. Chad hits the CKY pedal, Deron uses his voice to enhance and diversify the CKY catalogue, and Jess plays drums like he's in Clutch. This album takes CKY to places they haven't been to before. It's a more relaxed sound than the previous hard rock Infiltrate.Destroy.Rebuild. but it really brings their sound full circle. They will lose fans and they will gain fans. Listen to CKY.

7) Trivium - Ascendancy

Young band from Florida rocking out harder than anyone else. This is the heaviest metal album of the year, and the singer is 18 years old. This album isn't exactly changing the scope of metal as we know it, but its catchy as hell. The guteral scream vocals are unique and the riffs are mesmorizing. A modern day Metallica?

8) Dredg - Catch Without Arms

Nothing I say will interest people in this album. They have a unique sound that will NEVER catch on. Anytime I need a relaxing tune I turn this on. Stoners will eat this up. (No pun intended)

9) Gorillaz - Demon Days

Second release from The Gorillaz causes millions to dance their asses off. Despite the whoring of the tune Feel Good Inc. to Apple ,the song is still awesome. Many tracks on this album are designed to keep people flocking to the dance floor in droves (Dare). They retain their style in songs like Every Planet We Reach is Dead and Kids With Guns. Simply put, it's fun.

10) Children of Bodom - Are you Dead Yet?

Finnish glam metal upgrades. The lead guitarist/vocalist can pound out riffs like the best of them. This album is packed full of the Bodom we've all grown to love, with a slight upgrade. The album flows better than those of the past and songs like Are You Dead Yet? and In Your Face will soundtrack your dreams. The one thing that keeps Bodom off of my definitive best of metal list is the lyrics. They are usually battle oriented, but not in a good way (Manowar). This album contains one of the dumbest lines I have ever heard. "It's my world. You're in it. It'll take you down in a minute." Despite the weak lyrics, they don't get in the way of Bodom's epic sound.

Honorable Mentions

The Fall of Troy - Doppelganger

Three piece post hardcore progressive rock insanity. The first listen I was annoyed, the second time I started hearing the complexities of the music, the third time I couldn't get enough. If you like fast paced guitars and high pitched vocals this is for you. A lot of the tracks on this album are heavy enough to make you want to punch yourself in the head. Recommended to anyone with an open mind as to where the underground scene has brought us.

The Mars Volta - Frances the Mute

Inventing new emotions with this unique blend of prog rock. The Mars Volta is a case of love it or hate it and this album is no different. If you liked De-Loused in the Comatorium give this one a listen.

Shitstorms of the year

Coldplay - Way to make the most generic sounding boring piece of shit humanly possible
Weezer - I'm just dissapointed
Green Day - You take the cake for biggest tools in the music industry. You must be laughing your asses off in your million dollar homes paid for by the very Americans you shit all over.

A special shoutout to the chick from Black Eyed Peas who I thought was hot before I saw the video for Lady Lumps. Nice job making yourself into a dumb whore.

So you might be thinking at this point, Hey Dan who the fuck do you think you are putting all this angry sounding music on the list. What are you, a nazi? To quote the great Bill Hicks:

When the end comes, I'm going to be surfing the lake of fire ROCKING OUT.

Hard Nights and Bar Fights

I woke up with a gun pressed up against my temple. Colt 45, I read in a haze of morning dissociation. As the light of day catches the corner of my eye I'm aware of the mistake I made the night before. You see, drinking in the shittiest part of town can lead a man to some bad places. This gun is loaded and the marksman is growing impatient. I wonder how long he's been sitting here waiting for me to wake up? You'd think that if somone was going to bust a cap in your noggin the last thing he'd feel bad about is interrupting your sleep. But this guy was considerate. Less considerate than I the night before.

The bar was a colorful dive in a back alley road somewhere far away. I went with a buddy of mine but even he didn't know where it was. We walked in and I began drowning myself in a glorious display of alcoholism and madness. I guess it was a rough week and I was trying to unwind. Pour me tequilla. Pour me whiskey. I really liked the taste of Jack Daniels that night.

The gunman clenched his pistol tight and brought it straight above my head. I breathe in deeply and prepare to receive what will be known as the pistol whip heard round the world. The butt of his pistol actually moves segments of bone from one side of my face to the other. A steady stream of blood seaps through the crack in my face and it runs into my eyes, around my nose, and past my lips. I taste Jack Daniels.

I was drinking like it meant something, like it was my last chance. A shot of rum, a shot of vodka. It all goes down into the pit of my abdomen. I'm completely numb to the burn of hard liquor; I would've drank cyanide had the bartender put it in a shot glass. Three hours go by until I feel the cold marble sink on my forehead. The weight of my body is resting on my head in the bathroom sink and I'm wondering what would be more inconvenient, walking over to a toilet to take a piss and most likely puking on myself or just pissing my pants right there. Weighing the pros and cons and testing the absorption level of my denim jeans with sprinkles of shitty water from the sink I hear something from the parking lot outside. The window in the bathroom is creaked open just enough to see what's going on.

Isn't it a little too early to be tasting blood? Couldn't this have waited until I've at least gotten a shower or a decent breakfast? I think I still have a whole box of Cornpops in the kitchen. We could all grab a bite to eat and then, when we've all had a proper meal, we can think about the bludgeoning and senseless beating. You think about the night before, why you're in bed with another man, why he's pointing a gun in your face, and you remember...there should be somone else.

It's hours later. I'm in this very bed and I'm with a woman. I've never seen her before, I don't even know her name, but we're really going at it. We're going at it like it meant something, like it was our last chance. I'm still wearing all of my clothes, with the exception of the zipper I seem to have ripped clear off of my pants. She looks as though she was prepared to fuck at any time. She's wearing no underwear, tons of makeup, and sporting a deadpean erotic stare that could turn a man to jello. I'm getting the impression she does this a lot. This is one friday in the mix with a million others. I'm too drunk to give a shit.

Somehow I'm turned around in bed. With my face in the pillow I hear muffled voices and can feel movement on the mattress. There's somone else here. It's her. Suddenly nails are scratching the back of my head as I'm lifted off the pillow by my hair. Some of the pillow stays with my face because of the sticky blood that has accumulated. I spin around to get a better look. The figure of a woman, but I don't recognize her. The man is farther away now, still pointing a gun at me.

Back to me finishing my romp with the worlds classiest dame. If I wasn't so damn drunk I'd ask her name, I'd open my eyes to see what she looks like. All I have is the smell in the air. The stink of bar sex mixed with strawberry perfume. Even with the foul whiskey taste in my mouth I can still take in that horrid smell. This strawberry smell is on everything, it's crusted beside me where the wall meets my mattress. She's already asleep next to me, so I do the same.

I've been awake for a good three or four minutes now so Im starting to get my hearing and vision in order. The muffles turn to into screams. The screaming becomes more and more cohesive until syllables and sentences start forming. You Fucked My Wife. You Goddamn Mother Fucking Sicko, You Fucked My Wife. Let's not jump to conclusions, I say. I don't know what you're talking about. The gun is waving back and forth and the man is screaming at the top of his lungs in my apartment. More sentences take form. I Should Kill You. I Should Shoot You In Your Fucking Head. A different voice emerges, female. She speaks clear as day.

"He thought he could get away with it. But he dragged me back to this room and had his way with me!"

And the oscar goes to...

"He breathed his nasty booze breath on me and told me that if I didn't have sex with him he'd kill me!"

Tears are streaming down her face as fast as blood is streaming down mine. I'm completely astonished. Did I rape somone last night? Can I plead temporary drunkedness? She leans in close and I start feeling sick, I feel really nauseous.

"You thought you'd get away with it! Didn't you! You sick Fuck!"

The strawberry smell is seaping out of her every pore and into my red soaked nostrils. I'm gagging on the smell. As surprising as this visit is, I'm even more shocked I had sex with this woman. She's hideous. She's your last shot for getting laid after last call. She's usually lurking in the parking lot picking up the remains of men. She must've scooped me out of the bathroom. The man speaks, softly this time.

"I bet you thought you were a real hero back there. Hitting me when my back was turned and taking my woman. I know you're regretting it now. How about a shot to the other side of your stupid face? You're looking a bit uneven, let me fix that for you."

In the time it takes this man to aproach me I'm confronted with a painful glimpse of what happened in that parking lot. A man and a woman were fighting with each other, screaming and making a scene. I must've intervened, I must've done something about it. I thought I was doing her a favor but the truth of the matter is that I was deceived. I played into their sick game and now it was time to suffer. These guys were pros and I'm just a sheep. This man was my friend. He led me to the bar earlier that evening. I was too far gone to notice at the time, but I'm sure of it now. And now he's in my bedroom, and he didn't even have to track me down. I played right into their scene, their dimented final solution.

The next hour of my life was a blur. The only memories I have are feelings of pain. A dull throbbing pain in my side and a sharp scratching pain across my face. My eyes were closed tightly until they were gouged out with what I believed to be either an ice cream scooper or a wooden ladle. I didn't really give them too much of a fight since they had already disposed of my important limbs. He must've brought a machete or an axe, he must've been prepared, a seasoned veteran at work.

I was found by my brother a day later with little life left in me. He lept onto the bed and started wailing, I guess I wasn't much to look at. There was blood everywhere, it was a fucking mess. They really took care of me. He tried dragging me out of the room. I was still clothed, with the exception of the broken zipper. Different sounds passed through my head as I faded in and out of consciousness: the sound of my horrified brother, sirens, people gasping, doctors rambling technical jargin, and then my breath. My breath and the beep of my heart rate monitor. Now I'm on what I believe to be a hospital bed. Beep, Beep, Beep. What an annoying fucking sound. I shimmy awkwardly towards one side of the bed to find on off switch and realize that I have no arms to use. It feels like they are still there.

A week later I'm diagnosed with acquired immune deficiency syndrome, and so is my brother. It's a rare mutated form of the virus that has never been seen before. I hear about my brothers death from my mother who hasn't left my side. He died quickly, and I'll go soon. The couple responsible for my end are in prison now, death row. The sad part is they were already on death row and a lethal injection is a sweet relief compared to what my brother went through. They came forward and confessed after hearing that their scuffle with me inadvertantly claimed my brother's life. Apparently they saw my case as the final hurrah to a masterfully planned homicidal blood fest. There's pain, there's suffering, and then there's this. I take a breath like it means something, like it's my last chance.



If this reminds you of anything, it should. I wrote it around the time I saw Sin City.