Dropout
It was right then when I realized how significant the last ten minutes were. We fought for the last time tonight. The culmination of everything horrible with her life was just targeted at my sad existence. I'm standing in the rain now. It's pouring down onto my face and dripping into the ankle deep puddle around me, and I don't give a shit. I'm shocked. I'm surprised even. I'm alive.
You tell yourself that you can get better, that things can get better. But they don't. All the bullshit you surround yourself with piles up so high into the air that it blocks the sun and you live in darkness. All year you wake up to the darkness and live in it, you breathe it in. You let the shit smell consume your world and you accept every filthy second. Then one day somone carves a whole out through your big heap of waste and the sun breaks through. It feels like a new era, like the first day of life. It's difficult to even open your eyes in the light it's so goddamn bright. You finally see the world around you for what it is, and it's not pretty. It's not what you expected. It's not what she expected.
So she dumps your dumb ass and moves on. And you stand outside in the rain for two hours wondering what went wrong. And so is life, so is my unfortunate life.
When we would stay out late and drive for hours on end with no purpose or destination she'd listen to me like she was interested. I was still a novel subject, I still had things to say. Those days are long gone. I've given her everything I have and it wasn't enough. I've said every annecdote and told her every joke, some twice. I'm reciting lines from books I recently read to spark conversation, I'm telling her about the people from work. I'm watching the news every night and reading the newspaper for material. You can only maintain the conversation for so long, and then what? Then this.
It's the day you both lose touch, the day it all falls apart that you remember the most. And it's not even the specifics of it that I can recall, just silence. The silence was deafening. It's the sound of blood rushing past my ears. It's the sound of each nerve firing. It's the sound of her door shutting behind me and the distant rainfall.
I feel the beating of a nervous heart inside my chest. Why bother? Maybe I can convince my selfish circulatory system to just give it a rest. Take a break. Relax a little. I'll get oxygen later, right now I just want to be alone.
