I am a masochist

I haven't posted in awhile but I feel like writing about something that has been on my mind the past week or so.  I was sitting in class ready to fall asleep when this girl raised her hand to address the teacher.  She drew my attention because she sounded familiar.  I turned to investigate and found out that she was damn sexy.  But I instantaneously got this awkward feeling, something I haven't felt in awhile.  No, I'm not going to say "and then everthing else in the room dissappeared and it was as if the planets have alligned perfectly only to shed a glorious light upon our star-crossed love"...what do you think I am, emo?  I felt an extreme feeling of anxiousness and hatred, pure unbridled hatred.  I felt animosity towards her, and at the same time I was curious.  She spoke and it hit me, and during the break I caught her name and that was the final trickle of blood from my already vacant veins.  The similarity in names almost turned me religious.  Her name was Sharon...she was intelligent and sexy and used correct grammer.  For those who don't know, (or for those whos time I never wasted explaining the tragic story) I used to be with a psycho who fit this exact description.  I thought she was everything I wanted in a girl, and she helped me learn so much about the nature of myself and others.  She drained the compassion out of me and taught me how brutally sadistic humans can be to each other.  Her mind was tainted in a way that I can't even begin to explain, just believe that it took its toll on me.  So even after all the shit I went through with her, I see another girl who reminds me of her and think to myself...heres my chance to do it over again, maybe get it right.  WHAT THE FUCK.  Either I didn't learn my lesson or I am a masochist, because that is the dumbest fucking thing my brain has conjured up in quite some time.  I just love how something so simple, like the style of somone's hair or the way they pronounce the word "derivative", can bring back a whole stream of emotions that were just buried in the unconscious mind waiting to explode.  It reminds me why I'm a psych major.  But it's also testament to the theory of innate masochistic tendencies.  Do we need to put ourselves in situations that will ultimately bring us to emotional/physical breakdown?  I would say that physical masochism is just a side effect of severe emotional masochism.  Somone who needs pain bad enough to inflict it physically, seems a bit extreme.  What I'm saying is that everyone has masochistic thoughts and desires, at least to a certain extent.  People fear the unknown, and this might be a way to cope with that.  I can look at this girl and lie to myself all I want about how things could be different and we would start with a clean slate.  But I know thats bullshit...because that strangeness and hatred will always be there.  I've the developed the ability to recognize my own lies to myself...does that count as reaching a zen-like state of self awareness?  I'm not so sure, I'll have to email the Dhali Lama later. Maybe we should all just overdose on sedatives and drive the human race into a state of emotional coma...oh wait that's already happening.